Be a better friend

I realize this goal isn’t what I’m looking for.

As a person not tended towards bragging or arrogance, I think the point where I feel I already do a lot more than I can give is the point where I can’t be a “better” friend and I can’t pressure myself to do so. This is self-destructive for me.

This is not to say I’m a great friend or a fantastic one. As friendships go, I slip up often (I’m human, last I checked). However, the give and take in most of my relationships is way too high and it’s at the stage where I’m fuckin’ killing myself BECAUSE of what one particular thing I give out so much of (and saving none for myself) and getting almost nothing of that in return. I don’t evaluate it on a scale, but it’s such a recurring problem that I fall into a major depression BECAUSE of it ON TOP of whatever other issues I have going on often enough. Often enough it’s disruptive. Often enough I lose faith in everyone. Often enough that I finally broke and admitted it to someone who is essentially a stranger and couldn’t hold back tears. Yes, that bad.

So. That’s that. I’m done with this. I think I’m doing just fine as a friend and if my friends don’t like that, then too fuckin’ bad. Why the HELL should I kill myself falling over myself to be their perfect friend when I should be falling over myself to take care of myself and my health first?

How do you take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself? It’s time I started practicing that….

I’m tired of being there for people. I’m tired of being the patient listener and the shoulder to cry on, or the person to punch. I’m tired of listening to whining and drama and advice problems.

I’m tired because no one is able to or is willing to reciprocate. I’m tired because I take the burdens and the sorrow and the loneliness and I try to make them smile. I try to give them hope. I do my best to encourage. I do not always succeed, but most of the time, people tell me they feel better.

Great. Thanks. I’m glad you feel better. And what about me? Give me a mere 15 minutes, I beg of you, compared to the hours I sacrifice willingly. Give me true compassion and empathy for those mere moments I am truly desperate enough to bother you with my problems. Because if I’m at the stage where I do need to talk, it’s bad indeed.

Tell me your angry? I’ll buoy you (or at least attempt to diffuse it with humor). Tell me you’re sad and I’ll list good things about you and the situation. Tell me you’re happy and we’ll celebrate together.

When I visibly show I’m upset (seeing as how I’m good at not expressing how I really feel, especially online), please at least CARE for a whole 10 seconds. Wait, 10 seconds out of your life for someone else? Le Gasp. Is that even POSSIBLE? No, that’s unthinkable. Sorry to even try. Sorry to INTERRUPT your precious angst-filled life because clearly, I’m not worthy of your time, but I’m worthy when you need ME. Stop leeching, thanks.

Though it is against my better judgment to sum someone up so quickly…I’ve come to a pretty strong impression that my new housemate is very cool. She took me to Costco and Trader Joe’s today…which was super nice of her. I mean, she could’ve just totally gone to get her own things (not to mention she didn’t really have to get anything at Costco at all) and not taken me. Yay nice housemate with a car! Whoo!

AND she later offered to get me a discounted BART ticket her school offers. Dude, that’s just…nice. I mean, coming from knowing people who are the type that knows something you might want to know or need to know and NOT tell you (unless you ask…but even then they still might not tell you)...wow. It just BLOWS my mind! Seriously. And she offered without me knowing about the discounts or anything. That’s…awesome. And then my landlord was doing the floors (mopping) and I think he mopped our bathroom too…damn…that’s craziness. I think he folded our household towels too that R had washed earlier…wow. I owe them both major Hawaii goodies when I go back…

How is it that I’m so incredibly fortunate to have met considerate housemates? (Okay, I hope I don’t rue these words later on. After all, it hasn’t even been a week yet.)

I must pluck up and do my best as a housemate too! I don’t want them complaining about me!

which is not a big deal except that we live on the same floor of the same building and are only separated by one room. Anyhow, we grabbed a quick dinner (sad, I wish I could have hung out longer) at a Japanese restaurant.

She told me she is a little upset that her two best friends back home haven’t made any effort at all to call her (even on Skype or MSN messenger). They message her but she says it’s not the same as phone calls. I understand. I know how she is feeling – I went through the same thing before and still do, on a smaller scale, now that I’ve relocated to another city.

It reminded me, though, that I should stop making excuses about how busy I am (no matter how true it is) and not write letters or make phone calls. I have to show people, not just tell people, that I care and love them. sigh So much to do :(. I will do it! I will!

Being a good friend…a better friend…takes so much damn time, time that I do not have. Time I wish I had. I wish I had time to do lots of things! I wish I had time to sleep, eat properly, to cook, to make new friends, to socialize more, to work on homework, to do some extra credit, to explore, but I don’t have time for myself, so please….

Please tell me how I make time for friends and family? Yes, I can make time. Yes, I’m trying.

But I’m feeling so overwhelmed even for myself. I feel like I can’t even take care of myself, so how can I be there for anyone else?

I’m going to make mini packages to send and surprise some of my friends! :) I have no idea what I’m going to put in them yet. I’m short on cash…especially since I don’t have a job yet (and am not looking for one for a little while yet).

I went to Legoland a couple of weeks ago so I bought some small souvenirs there. I’ll throw some in but I need to find more things. I also bought a few postcards from San Francisco (just moved here) to send to people. I could include that too. I might just do some homemade stuff like making and decorating a cute card or something. I have no idea yet.

I’ll include some inspiring poetry, maybe. Or maybe something I made up myself. Maybe I’ll just buy some photo paper and print up my own photos to send to my friends.

This’ll be fun.

I think I’ll always have fluctuations with this goal. I don’t know. For some friends, I can do something small and feel like I totally accomplish this goal. For others, I never feel like I’m getting it right and I always feel like more is expected. So basically, it makes this kind of a never ending goal, right? Unless I give up on it. Or until I feel that I CAN be a better friend to everyone, despite how I’m treated in return.

Easier to hold back nasty retorts the more I practice it. The temptation is still there but actually doing it becomes less and less as long as I keep my best efforts to maintain self-control. Especially if I’m having a bad day. I need to remind myself over and over that just because I’m in a bad mood or a bad place or is mad doesn’t mean I get to ruin it for anyone else. It’s not my right and it’s fairly rude and selfish of me. It doesn’t matter even if the retort would be justified – it’s still a bad idea and reflects on me as a person. I’m not trying to be the nicest person around but I don’t want to be the arsehole either. I don’t think I am but sometimes, I feel like I do arsey things. So I must try not to :).

I love it when I send bulky packets of mail to friends and they get so excited about it. It makes me feel really good about it. All I do is write a short letter, stuff some poetry or writings inside, sometimes I add stickers (depending on their age), and sometimes just random other stuffs. :D It’ll be an interesting envelope of stuff, at least. :D

I’m practicing the art of keeping quiet. More like “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it”...but also it brings out the question of bluntness and honesty. I used to hold everything in…everything. Only if it was a very serious issue would I bring something up and even then, very tentatively. It worked well for me for many years since most of my friends are like that.

Anyway, things change. And I’ve gotten to this point where I let myself go a lot more – I get a lot more snarkier, sometimes bitchier, sometimes less tactful, and sometimes way too obvious. Sometimes, I just don’t bother to hide how I feel anymore, even if it’s going to hurt someone. However, I’ve really been making an effort at this the last few weeks. I still slip a lot but I’m better at holding off from letting it get too bad (to a point where it really is hurtful)...I see myself slipping and I’ll shut up in a hurry.

It really is difficult to manage but I’m learning and trying. Hopefully I can find some kind of happy medium of getting how I feel out without saying them in spiteful or mean ways. Even if I want to be spiteful.

In correlation to this goal, I also want to keep in contact with my friends. I’ve met so many great friends online through my writer’s group, gotten to know from Nanowrimo (www.nanowrimo.org) and I got some of their addresses and sent off some postcards yesterday. I just wrote 4 more and am sending them out tomorrow! Some of these are going to friends right here on the same island and some are international. I made a friend from my London in Lit class last semester so I’m going to send her a posty too. :)

I’ll also be getting everyone’s holiday gifts to them early this year (I’m usually dreadfully late). :D

I’m trying to remember things more, and ask them how they’re doing (and mean it). I’m very forgetful so I’m trying to change that about me so I can tend to them more. :D