fall in love again

I’m gonna put this on hold for now for a couple reasons.

1- I need to realize who I am before I can love anyone again. I need to dig down to the person beneath all the make-up… I’ve spent my entire life trying to be attractive in every sense of the word. Trying to impress people all the time. So now that there are no men what-so-ever in my life, I’m just letting go and seeing what emerges as my actual personality.

2- They always say the only way to ever find anything is to stop looking, so I figure this way it’s win win lol

Well I am nearly fully recovered from my first love!!! This is soooo exciting. I was completely devastated after Joe. Although we had only dated for about 5 or less months, it’s been since January and I’m finally made significant progress! One of the biggest steps that I needed (but had no control over) was actually seeing him again. After we broke up, I got suicidal, he stop any form of contact with me, not responding to my emails, phone calls, voice mails… (despite the fact he still owed me money and such). For months he wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact that I was alive. Then on Friday (2 days ago) I ran in to him at the Rideau center, looking fabulous I might add seeing as how I was coming from a bar/concert in a new dress I had just bought, and said hi, he said hi we chatted very briefly until I cut it short and said, well I gotta go.

I don’t think I could describe how satisfying it was, I had a huge smile on my face the entire bus ride home and the next day. Thinking of it now still makes me grin largely. :D. I think the most satisfying part was that I felt nothing when I saw him. Whatever I had felt for him in the past is finally gone! It was just like talking to some acquaintance I had met at some previous event.

I am taking some time to myself now to get some rest. I am very close to being ready to fall in love again.

This is fantastic!!!!! :D

So today I haven’t decided if it was good or not, I’m gonna wait till the end of the night. This morning I felt terrible, I dreamt about my ex, Joe, again. So when I woke up my emotions were messed again. Then mid-day I had a seizure then all of a sudden felt fantastic! I felt like everything was gonna be ok, I felt ready to move on.

So far I’ve done some cleaning and re-organized my room which is making me feel even better. Tonight I’m gonna go to The Live Lounge, where Joe’s brother’s band will be playing. I’m gonna bring the cds I need to give to his family to Serge for him to distribute them accordingly (to sister and mother). Also, it’ll get me out of the house, into a club, and possibly I may meet some interesting people :D

Today I’m feeling a bit better. I’m feeling more and more determined to get on with my life in terms of love. I want to find a man I can talk with, discuss, debate, cuddle, watch him play hockey, play crib with, fall asleep beside, feel safe with, etc…

I’m still a little scared that I’m never gonna find another guy like Joe. It still scares me that he might have been the one, but that I somehow should have done something different, despite the fact that I know if he couldn’t accept me for who I am, then he was obviously not the one. I just have to keep telling myself it was just an experience I need to be able to fully love the True Love of my life who will soon be coming my way.

Is there any way to get rid of that fear?

This is really the first/second step in one of my larger goals: To marry the man of my dreams.

I guess technically the first step would be to find men. Real men. But then again, I guess it all depends on what your definition of a real man is. Regardless, I’ve been in love only once before and partially do still care for him. We were together for only 5 months and he ended it in January (over a month ago). I was completely heart broken and went through a really tough time, but I’m moving on, emotionally.

I think I’ve learned a lot of essential lessons that will help me make better decisions when it comes to finding a man worthy of my time and my love. I just find now that it’s actually really difficult to find someone decent. Most of the guys I used to date were all just “what was available”, and now that I’m a little more choosy, I can’t seem to really find anyone.

Do you think this could be me pushing them away? Being too picky?