keep a journal

said most horrible and hurtful things to my husband :( I am feeling bad about it. I was angry and he was saying things like he’ll cheat me out of the house whihc is kind of life time investment for me. so I said stuff whihc I should have never said. He is hurt I think. anyway he is also ok with seperating. told his parents also, once my parents are back will tell them also. making it official this time. Hopefully it wil happen this time.

hmmm, looks like i will have to put all the goals like control anger, meditate daily into the not done list. I am losing it again, going back to square one. I am going mad, I am getting depressed. AGAIN!! sigh!!!!
I guess I was born to stay alone , my husband being back in town is just not suiting me. well i can write a long list of things that are wrong with him and how unfair it is, bla bla. but what is the point? the bottom line is – I am less happy when he is around and more happy when he is away. no! I am not having any affair, i dont even have any friends( have friends but dont meet them often ), nope dont even meet parents(meaning not emotionally dependent on them) but i am happy when alone. alone is all alone. me and my pets and my garden.
May be its easier to stay sane when alone and I am a looser who cant deal with people. may be I am an AH with no guts to fight life. what ever it is, I cant deal with this. i want alone. I will somehow manage enough money property to sustain my small needs and my pets and leave to some god forbidden place. yes I want to quit and run. I am tired.
I dono how I let myself get drained and upset like this. but it always happens. I blame my husband for it. he may or may not be responsible for it. but being an adult I am fully and solely responsible for my peace of mind and my mental health. if I think someone is affectign it, i am responsible to avoid them.
yeah not gonna be afraid of the D word, that’s the only way to happiness for both of us. Or Ill end up in an asylum for sure. After D will I not end up in an asylum? :) only time will tell.

I am not gonna let life beat me down, I am gonna stand up and stand up high! no matter what. What ever my brain what ever my heart says, what ever it tries to do to kill my sprit I am NOT NOT NOT gonna fall. My sprit will live and live well.

started gym, my god. Its killin me, my hand, biceps and all those obscure muscles between my hip and underarm and all screaming in pain. they woke me from my sleep at 2 am and I am still suffering! and Abs too. hurts hurts hurts. aaaaaaaaaa.
one more hurt too. I talked about it. made me sick, I thought I was gonna puke. always feel like that when I think about it. I dono if its a good idea to talk about it or not. I am going ahead and talking anyway. keepin it all inside was, well horrible. let it all come out. soon Ill get over it?will I ever? I dono. I dread the day when it will come on intranet. face it, take the blow! life goes on.
Olympics – china WOWed me. They are something. They put up a really beautiful show. I have visited so many countires, but I have never seen such artistry and beauty anywhere (no, not even my India) such cute such beautiful art and craft. now they have prroved it again. Khudos!

My job is decided. Ill be working with my old boss, I get along well with him. and he’s a nice guy. one less stress.
Ill be working independently on a technical job. no management. no user interactions. another stress less.
I will work hard now, no letting down my boss and myself.

1. # # # # # # # IMPORTANT # # # # # # # # # #
   It is very important I remember that I made this decision and I should not get jealous of other people who are getting promotions or recognition. I have consciously decided that work is low priority and that I have better things to do than run a rat race. no feeling bad about it anytime, Deeps. I know it will happen thats why I am writing this down. no feelin bad that i didnt win the rat race, no feelin bad that others got ahead of me. should be very very clear about this.
2. # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

went to office yesterday. I hardly had any work. I was bored to death. and also my health went topsy turvy. I am almost sure my sickness is psycological and its something related to office. whole day I was listless and sleepy. my brain was not working. :-(
At home I always find soemthing interesting to do, I am hardly bored. but in office my brain feels like its rusted and creeky and damn slow, feel oozy. I thought I was excited about going back :-p loads of issues still at the back of my mind I guess. the fight goes on and on…....... ta da tadada

the Dday has come!! my sweet summer vacation of 4 months, after 10 years of work has come to an End! Hmmmm! !!!!!!!
I am done with the vacation! I am fresh and recharged and ready to go! I will last some time again now :D
I found a house close to the office- just 3 km, Ill save bout 3 hours per day commuting time. ye ye ye. Will move there in a couple of weeks. house is a bit smaller than this one, garden is much smaller, but for a house on rent it;s beautiful. with a terrace and garden and everything :D we are lucky to have found a house so easily :) good for my new start again.
hope to put my house on rent for a good price too. aah but it breaks my heart to leave this house and go! my garden! I luv the garden. Ive brought it to this from almost zero, with mealy bugs and aphids it was like a war for a while. just when the plants are showing the results we are leaving :( but I am happy with what I have done with teh garden. I just love it. from yellow thumb Ive turned to somewhat of a light green thumb :)
the vacation was so so so well worht it. I am a much better person at the end of it. lots lots lots more to do. but lots done as well. :) I started running again, I did a sketch, I painted the cupboard, I found a house close to office. I made a healthy menu. did some yoga, lots of meditation, lots of reading mostly philosophy. bonded with the house, pets, myself. hmmmm I am a satisfied person at the end of it ! :D May be I did find peace for a few days also.
the next challenge is to not lose myself in work again and continue all that was started . Keep the calm peaceful mind! make it calmer nicer. that is the priority.

we say to ourselfs, everbody does. I found myself, I have forgotten myself. This is “me”. hmmm question is.. Is this Ego?
It is very positive thing to find yourself ( I KNOW HOW MUCH ) To not lose your identity. Geeta also says that you should follow ur dharma – ( that’s your calling ) IT also says you should let go of your ego. when u dont have a ego, then what is the meaning of yourself? there is no yourself right?
Or should we find ourself first before we can actually let go of the Ego? I am not sure.
may be – when u do your “my thing” it gives you the energy, to be strong enough to lose your ego and make everything – mything?

techincally my last holiday. and I am already feelin all my sickness etc is comin back. I need to be stong now.
Good news is My old boss is back, I will be working with him :D He was good, i got along great with him. My current one! mmmmm I had loads of issues with it.
so thanks god. ( BTW we call the old manager “god” :D )
God is somehow always listening to me. hey god please dont stop listening to me , just cause I am tellin it out in public here. i jsut so appriciate the fact that u always listen to me, and give me what I ask for. good or bad rigth or wrong, somehow god is there for me. big tight hug . so looks like he sorted this mess also for me.
so I am interested in going back, I am a lil bit enthusiastic. I ve already started dreaming of making it big. which is a very bad thing, cause I had decided job is not high priority and I should take it easy and I work hard and get screwed all the time anyway so will chill etc. and I start dreaming and I cross the bridge halfway and fall. I should remember that I have other goals and I should balance work its.
wish me luck!!!!!!!
Phew! :D I wish i was thinner prettier when I was gettin back to work. at least till everyone noticed me. anyway, so that’s that.
getting a few clothes today,just think so much money and time u save if everyone works from home. I take bath once in 2 days I hardly spend anytime thinking what to wear I dont commute – saves 1 hour for dressing and 2 hours on commuting everyday. and the cost of petrol, clothes, water,bike, cars!
the news is true, but didnt feel like rocket launcher, just terribly yew :D that’s all. :D

love the internet, everyone asks me how I stayed home, away from work and didnt get bored. I wondered myself. Answer is – I am a book worm and I had a huge huge diverse library at my disposal. the internet offcourse. only one problem, makes u realise how ignorant u are. I get tired sometimes tryin to hog all the information there is, then I stop and realise I cant learn everything about everything. atleast not in one life. god let there be many lives, I have loads to learn. Its so easy with the net around. I dont want to work, I dont want to meet friends I dont even want to travel all that much these days, I just want to learn :D :-* to internet.
BTW I made a sketch – day before yesterday night. Its the full moon night on himalay trek scene. It was in my heart for so long, finally I sketched it yesterday. :D IT came out quite nice. after the sketch I had a look at the pictures. I realised why painting and sketchs are better than photograhs. the sketch captures ur impression of the scene and not the real scene. my mountains are 3 times bigger than the real mountains :D me and the tents being too small. thats exactly how ud feel in the situation, overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. :D but photograph cant capture this.
but photographs can capture hell lot of things which sketch cant. I give it to photographs. I am big fan of my mobile camera. I wish it had a good zoom and stuff. but I realised the worth of beauty of sketch only now.