When I first came across this as a ‘thing’, it resonated with what was happening in my life at the time. Since then, however, all sorts of people have mentioned to me – quite independently – that they had come to this realization.
It seems to me that we have a very deep seated belief – barely on the edges of consciounsess – that we need to effect a positive change in someone who had a big role in our own personal drama (for instance, a parent) before we can reach a resolution of the traumas this drama created. I guess we’ve all seen too many of those Hollywood movies where – usually at the end of their lives – a grumpy, ill-natured parent suddenly blossoms and apologises to their (usually middle-aged) child about everything. Or maybe it’s the case that – like so many other things – we make someone else responsible for something we need to do for ourselves. I don’t know.
What I do know is how healing it is to come to the realization that someone else is not going to be what you’ve always hoped they might one day be. It’s not something that you can just make happen by wanting it. The realization has to unfold in its own time.
This happened with me with my mother, and that has been a big positive. I’ve begun to see it happening with other people with whom I’ve had a problem over the years, but this is still a work in progress.
Maybe another way of formulating this ‘thing’ is to ‘accept others the way they are’. And there are so many barriers and resistances we put up to doing that – even if we clear away some of the more obvious ones, there are still subtle ways we want people to be different. But every time we push that acceptance that much further, we recover a little bit of the power that we allowed others to have over us. And – actually – begin to appreciate them for who they are, rather than for their role in our life drama.
In summary, this is a totally important and brilliant ‘thing’ to do!
