overcome fear

Over the past six months, the frequency of me thinking about social anxiety has slowed down to a stop. Really, I don’t even consider myself to have that diagnosis anymore. I still have some problems, but I would say they are on the normal side of the spectrum. I went to a party last month, the guests were mostly people I knew – friends of a friend and her husband. I’d had intermittent contact with them for years, but never really got to know or like them. So, it wasn’t a room full of strangers, but somewhat a room full of people who were part of two groups of friends, and a few other guests who knew each other. So, I’m not good at mingling, I have nothing to say, don’t know what to ask. I had one real conversation, instigated by one of those people I’d known slightly for years. The rest of the time I tried to busy myself by taking pictures, going for cigarettes, fiddling with the video game system or the stereo. Finally, my meds petered out and I had to rest until the next dose kicked in. I found myself lying on the couch watching the goings-on, and though I felt like a weirdo, I was able to accept the fact that this was necessary. By the end of the night I had probably exchanged at least a few words with 75% of the guests, and hadn’t felt like crying or that I needed to go home. This I call a success. This is the only party I hadn’t been able to avoid for probably 10 years, but there have been a few other occasions, such as weddings, that required mingling or something, and I can’t say I had a blast at any of them. And that is fine for me, as long as I can avoid them in the future.

On the upside, I’m much better at making phone calls, asking strangers the time (or whatever), making small talk with random people. I don’t walk down the street feeling everybody’s distainful eyes on me. If I do feel some distain, I think, “what’s their problem?” I am much more able to just go about my business and i don’t think about social situations with apprehension (unless it is a social gathering of many people, not family).

This is only one aspect of my fears, but it was a huge obstacle, a problem that effected everything in my life, so it is a relief to be over it. Of course, I still think it is solely the Effexor, and I will never stop taking it.

I have been having a setback the past week or so, regarding my anxiety and my mood. My social anxiety is creeping back into my life since I’ve lowered my medication – I’ve noticed I’m not looking people in the eye, not able to make small talk with strangers, not as eager to go out and be seen. I had an anxiety attack on the bus the other day, feeling like I couldn’t wait to get home and hide.

On the other hand, I have not been so afraid of this slump in mood. I know it is from the medication, and I have a doctor’s appointment in less than two weeks, so it can be adjusted. I’m also hoping that I may adapt to this lowered dose by then and not have to increase it. I’m not so worried about myself yet, and not panicking that I might go into a severe slide. I’m just kind of hanging in there.

I’m mindful of the increase symptoms without getting angry or frustrated about them. My self-talk has improved, and I’m being a little more gentle and compassionate towards myself when I remember to do so. As long as I stay calm, I think I can prevent slipping into a vicious cycle of depression where my fear and panic make it worse than it would be otherwise and therefore create more anxiety and depression. I think I’m doing really well at accepting my current state, actually, and not exacerbating it at all. I’m being patient.

I got the book from the library, by Tara Brach, the author of the YJ article I mentioned the other day about fear. I started reading it last night, and like the article, just about every sentence is hitting home. It is amazing, I finally found something that SPEAKS to me again. And wouldn’t you know, it’s Buddhism, again. The author brings Buddhist acceptance to our crazy, sick, Western lives. I am looking forward to reading more, and perhaps learning some techniques that will help me experience real acceptance. Because lately I’ve been trying to do it, but it’s not getting any farther than my head. I can say it in my head, but I don’t feel it somatically. And really it has been amounting to a little bit of flailing about, a little directionlessness, a little lack of self-discipline, which is actually creating some anxiety and fear (you know, of being out of control). Brach talks about finding ways to connect with your inner goodness, and once I do that, I can live from that place, and I won’t want to be doing all these harmful things that I’m doing to myself right now, like eating crap and wasting time fiddling around.

But there’s a paradox here I’m struggling with – she’s saying that our feelings of not being good enough stem from our culture of always having to acheive, to get approval, to improve, to be better (than we are, than other people). And here I am, working on a list of GOALS. Here I’ve written out, plain as day, things I don’t like about my life and myself and want to change. How to reconcile that with loving myself as I am?

And the whole idea of loving myself is another complicated thing – especially because I’m still learning what love really is. I try to imagine feeling about myself the way I feel about those kids I babysit, and, well, I can’t imagine it. I have a hard time even feeling that unconditional about my best friends! That difficulty has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with my insecurities, I know that. It is hard to really want the best for someone when you are jealous of them. And since I have let go of my jealousy of those kids, I really can love them better. It is a process. Perhaps my friends are next. As for loving myself, well, i want to learn. Maybe this book will help me begin to imagine it.

I just read an article about fear in this month’s issue of Yoga Journal. I was reading it on the bus and had to pause a number of times in order not to cry – I saw myself in so much of what was written. I am getting the book by the author Tara Brach: Radical Acceptance. She advocates using mindfulness to work through fear, instead of stuffing it or dissociating. I have always known I needed to do something about my fear, because it has ruled so much of my life, my actions and inactions. Now I possibly can gain some insight and tools to work with it. I think the most important thing I learned just from the article is to tell myself that my fear is okay, that I can accept it and learn from it.