work well and consistently

Manager writing on the blackboard: today we’re going to talk about customer satisfaction, which can be illustrated with this formula

Satisfaction = Expectation – Performance

...........
...(lmao)

New manager (of a whole bunch of developers) : What’s a stored procedure?

1. New Manager knows nothing of the technology the developers use. Senior Developer wrote a detailed email explaining what we wanted.

SD: I just sent you a email explaining the details
NM: Oh ok, I think i saw that one but it looked too long so i didn’t read it

2.I was installing a patch to a server when an email came in from an unfamiliar sender. It says (effectively) “Hello, all your servers, including your production server with 8 live applications, are up for decommissioning today”

Time to update my CV, me thinks

After lead programmer asked me what S in SDLC stands for same programmer didn’t know how to verify ftp client on Windows XP and was looking for it in Control Panel

I am not sure what the Programmer in said person’s title meant really – maybe NLP as opposed to traditional SOFTWARE PROGRAMMING? Mind you, said programmer NEVER worked any other OS apart from Microsoft. Go figure.

Even now.. Execute managers are thinking of business solutions in Access.. HUH??

What’s worse, is that technical people here seem to be quite content in having outdated skills. They seem to think as long as they are gainfully employed then they are fine. Not to worry about the fact that the main solution they use for Operational Support is a vb6-converted-to-DotNet application running on a RMDBS with NO FOREIGN KEYS (funnily enough the above lead Programmer was involved in its development)

More importantly, nobody seems to care about their own career – I mean come on, who in the right mind these days lets the Organisation decide what your career should be? Not to mention the word ‘career’ in this context is highly objectionable.

Maybe I am the one in error – maybe a career means creating dramas, then solving them yourself to claim credit. This way you look like you are always busy, are proactively identifying issues (well creating issues is not a KPI, identifying issues is) and has follow through. Trifecta if I’ve ever seen one!

Male colleague: hey you gotta help me
Me: Ok what?
Male colleague: I am not wearing any undies so i gotta go buy some will you come with me?
Me (trying very hard not to burst out laughing): if you really need company..ok

I was talking to my colleague and walking towards the office kitchen with a banana in hand when some “project manager” decided to speak to my colleague. Sensing he was stressed I offered the following:

Me: Maybe it’s time our healthfund includes full body massage as an option for stressed employees.
PM: What, body to body message? (winking at my colleague)
Me: Ooookay, I guess this place isn’t all that PC..and I have a banana in my hand
PM: Yeah, can I watch you eat it?
Me (shocked): WHHAT? what’s your employee ID???
PM (realising this was no longer a joke).. ha ha.. I better go..

Man was I PISSED OFF all day. Granted if I know this person well enough (even in a professional capacity) I wouldn’t have felt so taken aback but honestly I’ve met this dude 3 times totalling no more than 90minutes.. his stupid jokes were TOTALLY OUT OF LINE!! If it weren’t for him looking like he’d never find a decent job again if he gets fired i’d have called HR already!

This is some advice

I have been, in the last few weeks leading up to Christmas, harrassed by coworkers on getting the system ready for user acceptance testing. It got to a point where they practically insisted on user acceptance testing a system that is not even system tested. I was unable to reason with them and even escalating this issue had no effect. The bottom line was this: The project plan was ambitious and the owners of the project plan didn’t want to change it to reflect the real state of progress in fear of losing their bonuses.

If this happens again I will be looking for another job immediately. My CV is up-to-date now, anyway

HR: We have had ‘enforceable undertakings’ from the auditors, who are here to see what we have done in the past year. They have identified a few deficiencies, some of it with respect to culture.

ME: Would you be able to tell me in detail what they are?

HR: oh well.. without going to specifics.. there’s a lack of accountability on the managerial level.. (this was followed by a lot of hot air on ‘proactive actions’ so i tuned out)

ME: I see. Will the findings and resolution be available to us employees on the intranet?

HR: Ah.. um.. I am sure the process is very transparent… so when its ready sometime in Januaray…. (vigorous nodding)..

ME: (responding with vigorous nodding in fear of repraisals)

Programmer to BA: We are cutting over to production tonight. You are doing the post implementation testing.
BA: Oh ok.. well I have to leave before that.
Programmer: Why? this is important.
BA: I HAVE TO go to the gym
Progammer: ... (gave up and now distracted by some programming task)
BA (to Support person): hey.. can I ask you a small favour? can you just go test this application you’ve never touched and guess what the expected result is? Dont worry about accountability when something goes wrong, it’s the developers’ and the infrastrure guys’ problem, nothing to do with the fact that I passed the buck to you and you dont know jack about this application and are naive enough to take this on without question.
SP: Sure no problem
BA: Good. I am off to swim now