Stop caring what other people think of me

an incredibly deep and personal conversation with a friend. He is someone that I knew in my past, lost touch with, and have recently become friends with again. I was about 10 miles outside of my comfort zone in being this open with someone…usually I tend to censor everything that I say. However, he had such a unique way of pulling me out of my shell. This was really huge for me, and made me feel that I am starting to shatter this goal if I can continue to open myself up to people.

I feel really great about this and love the idea that people can start to get to know the “real me”, and not me surrounded in layers of anxiety and shyness.

It’s so difficult not to fall back into familiar (unhealthy) habits in relation to this goal. My mind tends to travel to certain actions I’ve done, or things I have said, and thinks of what other people think of it. I end up worrying incessantly about what type of impression these actions or words have made.

It’s really a waste of time. And energy, and stress. It’s a hard thing to break though. I need to be more like a duck, and let the (presumed) thoughts of other people roll off my back like raindrops on duck feathers.

That can be my plan. When I start veering into self-examination and worry, I can remember that it doesn’t matter and let the negative energy slide off my back. Quack!

This coming week I’m going to make it a priority to work on this goal. I still subconsciously worry about how my actions are percieved by other people, and end up getting upset about things I’ve said and how people might interpret them. When I think it over with a clear and level head it really is stupid. I need to work on making this evident while it is happening, and not just in a sudden moment of clarity later on.

One thing that bothers me is a competency I need to complete in microbiology sometime this week. Micro is probably my weakest subject, and the people in micro intimidate me. I’ve been putting off this competency because I’m worried that I won’t be able to complete it well and the people there will make fun of me/think I’m stupid/talk behind my back…etc. I really shouldn’t care. I don’t like Micro and never professed I know a lot about it. I’m willing to learn what I don’t know. I should just go in there and take the test, and good or bad I should learn from it and not worry what anyone thinks. (If only it were that easy!) This is a good challenge for me next week to complete this competency and let anything negative slide off my back.

the kids from the Med Tech class under me are coming to my hospital to have a “meet and greet” and tour the lab. This is pretty important, as it was this tour that convinced me to change all of my plans and come to the hospital that I am at currently.

Scary part – I have to give the tour to this new class. Of course I’m scared out of my wits. The girl who gave the tour to my class was very outgoing and talkative and went on and on about things. I feel like I won’t be able to think of anything to say, will get flustered…etc. I hate things like this.

I’m worried that the students will think that I’m some kind of idiot, and more so I’m afraid that the people in the lab will think poorly of me if I can’t give a good tour. I know I shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself, but I still get nervous. Tomorrow evening can’t come fast enough.

After weeks of slow but steady progress with this goal, I feel like I’ve taken a sudden nose-dive back into extreme quietness. That seems to be how I deal with situations where I’m worried about what other people think of me…I become quiet as a church mouse. I literally can’t think of anything to say, and get completely flustered and self conscious when I do think of something. This really has got to stop.

I started in a new department today, microbiology. I’m not sure what it is…maybe just the personalities of the people in the department, and the fact that they all seem very boisterous and outgoing with each other. I just feel so quiet. And of course being so quiet, when you actually do croak out a few words everyone seems to stop and gape at you as if to say, “By God she does have a working mouth! Say it isn’t so!”

Sigh

I hope I can be more talkative and stop worrying so much about the impression that I am/will be making. Because by being so quiet I’m certainly not making a good one right now.