Stop caring what other people think of me

never arrived on this goal but i think the progress alone is enough to say i’ve accomplished something.
be your own person and be wise.

for some reason i really hate it when people notice my habits, like when store clerks recognize me and mention that they’ve seen me in that store before.
i have no clue why.
but i decided a couple days ago that it does not matter. seriously, who cares?
so yesterday when i walked into the usual coffee shop i visit on sundays and the cashier said “hi, kate! chai tea latte?” instead of getting this weird, panicky, “i shouldn’t come here again” feeling (which is really dumb) i just smiled and said, “why yes, thanks” and told myself that this is not a bad thing. who cares? it’s nice to be recognized because it means you’re not invisible.
maybe that’s it. i just want to be invisible sometimes.

so new strategy – just shrug and say “who cares”

i’m getting better. perhaps there is no arrival point on this goal. perhaps it’s more of a continuum along which you move.
well anyway, i made a huge step. i told a friend, quite matter of factly, about the eating disorder.
he didn’t hate me! he didn’t even judge me. he just said that he didn’t know and thanks for feeling comfortable with him.
i went to the market alone and bought a pair of shoes and didn’t care what the clerk thought of me and my distinct foreign-ness.
and finally, i’m opening up here at work about myself and my past. this time here in the Philippines isn’t just a random blip in the middle of my life, it’s part of life itself! why be afraid of bringing who i was into it knowing that the time will change who i am becoming?
:-D
it’s so much better. i look back a year and realize that i have indeed come a long way.

realized yesterday that i thought i was doing well with this but it was really only because i had just avoided telling anyone here about me, so really i was avoiding having to explain myself by just avoiding letting anyone know anything about me.
not healthy.
i just need to get over the fact that people might sometimes disagree about things! i need to get over the fact that i might not be able to explain something well. i need to learn to live out loud, unashamed, celebrating the differences in life.

go back.

even though the comments have hurt and will continue to hurt.

i’ve spent enough time re-interpreting every word to convince myself that i’m not worth it.

i may not be the most beautiful, but i am living outside of the borders that have been placed around me by my society and myself.

i’m following the path before me, not the voices behind me and i’m learning that it is enough.

Being in another country really makes you stand out a lot, which has sort of ended up helping me on this goal. When everything you do is different, you just can’t care anymore what people think. Being concerned about it doesn’t help adjustment at all, so I’m learning to not even think about it and just take chances.
I never want to be kept from doing something important or meaningful because I’m afraid that somebody won’t agree with me.