Be honest with myself

This has been a journey, one that I never expected. I will be posting much more about this, but the most important thing is that I have been avoiding 43T because I wasn’t fully ready to be honest. That was a surprise, and every time I turned on the laptop, I would sort of take my own emotional temperature – how did I feel about going to 43T and facing myself? This is the first time in months that I have been able to look myself in the eye.

At first I thought my avoidance was about feelings of failure, but I had already worked through that and retooled my list so that it no longer reflects the things I feel I SHOULD do, only the things that would give me some much needed peace and maybe some joy. And still I avoided. Now I know that redoing my list was only the first step, I had to actually accept the new list as the truth, as reflecting the things that in my heart of hearts, I want in my life and am willing to work to have.

I feel new.

I have begun the process of being honest with myself. What happened was I just shut my brain off. All I could tolerate was 5 minute incriments. Which made me seem very vapid, ditzy, and … insincere. I have realized where I want to live. And I am so lucky to put my thoughts to actions. Lets keep it up. Harmony comes from thoughts and actions that are congruent.

saturn!!

Saying I’m fat.
When I know I’m not.

Ignoring how I feel.
Because it’s whats expected of me

Pretending not to know
When really it’s KILLING me.

The lies are controlling my life.
I want to be in control again

essentiality

ive realized that ive been trying to deny certain parts of me for a long time and that just leads to more anxiety so im really working on being honest with myself and accepting my flaws and the good things about me too.

I want to tell him that i love him with all my heart
I want him back…but its to late…i just want to be honest with my self that i cannot let him go…[-O<

Take me as I am. I like the song and I like mary j blige. I decided to reopen this goal because not only do i want to be honest, be real with myself for life but along the way i hope i will find myself and my place. Thus “unleash my full potential”.

Hmmm I know I have lied to myself many times in the past:
about what I like, about what I want about why I do certain things.
It’s not conscious obviously and it’s very convenient.
I want to stop doing that and face the truth, even if I don’t like it. I need to really know who I am and help myself enjoy life to the fullest.

Sometimes, I’m not sure who I am… is my life a lie? Or did I really live it?