take better care of myself

I think I’m working too much. I can feel my stress level rising, and I can see I’m getting more paranoid and anxious day by day. I start questioning my worth, my efforts, everything I do at work, I’m starting to think nobody really likes me at work (they just can’t say it because, well, we’d still have to work together), I fear people think I’m lazy and stupid and scatterbrained, and it’s getting harder and harder not to take customers’ mean comments personally. I know they’re not saying the things they say because it’s me who’s listening, and it’s not my fault customers so often forget that we shop assistants are human as well and we do make mistakes too. It’s not my fault if I don’t know everything yet, there’s always something new to be learnt every day – I’m sorry if it happens to be so that I cannot fully answer to a customer’s questions, but at least I’m willing to find out. I’m doing my best, apparently it just isn’t good enough.

I’ve had problems with nerves before, I’m prone to depression. I should know better by now and not burn myself out again. If I continue like this for long, it will be the same story all over again, but I do not want to lose this job. I love it, I just fear I’m not good enough to be doing it. This is tearing me apart, my self-worth hasn’t been this low in ages. And nobody can see that at work because I always seem so cheerful and happy there.

...but I completely broke down just now. I can’t even remember the last time I had cried (this much at least). Well, the happiness and contentment had lasted surprisingly long, things were bound to take an uglier turn at some point. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. For anything, really.

I have failed miserably in my quest to take care of myself so far. I hve eaten like a pig, spent money like it is water, and just done everything I can to sabotage myself. Well tomorrow is a new day. I got a new haircut tonight that is much shorter than I have ever had my hair, but it looks better. Hopefully this will set me in the right direction. My goal for tomorrow is to get my finances in order and eat a healthy lunch, and not buy any FAST FOOD!!

Tomorrow I will start a diet. I will eat healthy all day and practice extreme self care. I will not talk down to myself. I will take measures to prevent myself from getting too stressed out. I will eat a nice lunch. I will take care of my finances. I will get things done tomorrow. I will dress nice for work and wear makeup for once. I will not get down on myself about my weight. For once, I will try to be good to myself all day tomorrow. Stress is my biggest killer and I plan to fight it for just one day.

I’ve been hesitant to check this off due to one lingering problem, which was finally diagnosed properly just the other week. I have terrible migraines, and was put on a combination of prophylactic analgesic drugs (nothing too hardcore) to prevent these sometime in the spring. All was fine, until about 6 weeks ago when I developed a dull-thudding, continuous headache that basically never went away. Now I know that I was experiencing a Rebound headache, which is caused by the very drugs I was taking to relieve this!

Right now, I’m in the middle of weaning myself off these. One of these drugs affects some serotonin receptors so getting off of them has proved to be a giant pain in the ass. I’m feeling grumpy, sad and just…weird all around. Like I want to crawl out of my skin, almost. The very first day of the weaning process was actually mimicking a time several years ago when I was getting off other, less beneficial drugs (ok – heroin), although far less dramatic. Not cool!

So right now I’m anxious and pissy and sad for no reason. I have a lot of trouble sleeping at night and I’m also having trouble motivating myself to get anything done. I’ve all but given up on my novel for the time being because I can’t concentrate. All I can do is sit here and wait, but in a week or so I’ll be back to normal and life will go on.

Then maybe I can check this one off for good.

It’s so easy to put other people/things first or to neglect important components.
Sometimes I need a reminder to take care of me.

Take care of you, Ru!

I do take care to be relaxed. I do take the opportunities to learn new things. These things took years to accomplish. I just need to physically take better care of myself. Have a ballet class today and will work tonight which means at least ten miles of walking. I love how it shakes my body up.

It’s not so easy.
I have weight to lose, that’s a fact. I’m not super fat, but I could lose 5 kg at least. I don’t sleep enoug, and it happens too much. Understand me, I’ve got so many things in mind, my brain is speedin constantly, and going to bed is like missing another occasion to have an answer in the absolute.
I’m more relaxed though, in spite of lack of sleep, because I jus don’t care about… not about people as humans, it’s something I could never do, but I don’t care so much about their rules, time, schedule, the tram, I have an alimentary job, but that’s not what leads my life, will nver be; I guess my partner got used to that.
I still love plushes at 28. yeah, and so what? I don’t drop bombs, I’m not racist, not homophobic, I hope that justice isn’t a vai word, for all, so I like plushes, oh my god…
I give myself time for things I need, have the TV on (Ty), and listen to the music in the same time, drink once in a while, have fun online with people I appreciate. Little things that does good, to me. I’m not shopping or so. I like hot baths though.
Well, I’ve been seriously working on it.

I’ve started again focusing on this goal. By doing this I feel I will dramatically improve the quality of my life.

I have started watching what I eat and getting at least 30 mins of moderate exercise in a day (mainly through walking the dog).

I am tracking my weight weekly and writing down what I eat.

I am also combating eating when I am board by making a concerted effort to do something, anything!

for my health and feel that I need to immediately start doing something. I have a heart condition that could lead to a death in my menapausal years if I don’t become healthier. I have started running and I feel great although I can’t run great distances or fast speeds. Hopefully it will level out my body chemicals and help me lower my weight and build a stronger heart.

Still didn’t lift any weights. I work my seasonal job tonight and every year I lose weight doing this. I don’t really have much weight to lose but I know the miles of walking will help tone me. I get to have a new kind of exercise in my day. So while I’m making extra holiday cash I’m toning my body. It beats paying to go to a gym.