Inspire myself

My cell phone banner says, “You did it Grl”.

Only two or three more “issues” to go, and I’ll feel like I am back where I need to be.

I live in an apt. building. There’s a chick that lives right down the hall that’s relatively hot so to speak. Thinking of asking for “a hummer” in those exact words(or at least would really like to). Either i get what’s asked for or hopefully get nailed right in the eye socket; totally a win-win situation!

Unless you were born filthy rich, incredibly good looking, and super smart, in which case, I say, ummm, good for you. :)

A common misconception is that it’s women with low self-esteem who get caught up in bad relationships, especially if they are abusive, and the woman doesn’t leave. Of course, she must have low self esteem, why else would she stay? Case closed! Next social ill!

But I can speak from experience, not speculation, well meaning that it may be.

I have high self-esteem. I worked my ass off to get it, and I still have it. It may have been trampled on quite a bit, but it’s still here. I still love me.

I am so fucking amazed with myself, for coming out of it, waking up, and I’m still here, you know, me, the me I love is still here.

I’m bright, I’m a decent writer, I love to dance, I’m beautiful and sexy, compassionate and forgiving, I love kids and animals, and elderly people. I love love. I can cook, I can play piano….I do love myself, and every day I remember who I am more and more, and I take that grlnxtdr and hug and kiss each part of me as it resurfaces, and welcome myself back.

I’m lucky that I had built myself up so goddamn far before I went through that. Because there were times that I thought I could just let the house burn down around me, and I would be o.k. with that. And I have good self-esteem! I’m not depressed.

The abuser hates your self-esteem. It threatens him or her, and all attempts are made at diminishing it, because they want it, and don’t know how to get it, without stealing yours. It was my best weapon and my worst flaw within the context of abuse.

Some bad things happened for me today, that really screwed things up bigtime….but, I just figured out, I”M NOT DEAD! THAT DIDN”T JUST KILL ME!!

I’m alive, I can make things better….someone else out there has it much, much worse.

I’m ok.

a crow atop the streetlight is stretching his wings, to catch the snow.
snow on the wings of a crow.

I am reading something new…it has to do with “cognitive fusion”. Our mind can become a total “word machine” and we take our feelings to be completely real. This book is about looking at your thoughts instead of from your thoughts. What an interesting concept. So..a person can be disengaged from themselves and be the observer of their thoughts. Handy if one has become all twisted up and angry with themselves with memories and evaluations. I am interested!

willingness

today I am taking a chill pill! I am not going to worry about anything. I may even order a pizza. Sometimes it is good to take a breather from all the plans!

Yesterday I had a conversation with my best friend. (I only have a handful of friends…she’s the one who knows me best). We did this very interesting thing called the feedback exercise where you tell eachother TWO of their best qualities and then ONE thing that “could use improvement”. It was interesting as heck! I was surprised with what she said needs improvement for me…she said “Your self esteem…you continually doubt yourself”. Well…...yeah. Somehow or another I thought I had gotten pretty good at keeping that under wraps. But no.

So what is self esteem anyhow? I read somewhere that self esteem is built as one gains mastery in important areas. Say for example that it was really personally important to me to know how to “X-Y-Z”....I would endure all the hardships and pitfalls of learning “X-Y-Z” until I finally felt satisfied with knowing “X-Y-Z”..certainly there would be ups AND downs of gaining full understanding of “X-Y-Z” but once I got to a point where I was sharp at “X-Y-Z” I would feel satisfied with my ability to undertake and accomplish other things. Yes. that seems logical. So what ARE my XYZ’s and why do I insist on the charade of being “actualized” when I clearly am not? I guess I have thought it seems a weakness to have to admit to not knowing stuff (“already”). Now that I have sorted this through I am aware that I need to accept the un-coolness of having to ask for help in MANY areas

I have stacks of stuff all over the place…IRONICALLY the stacks are mostly organizational type things…office supplies…lists…books…all pertaining to getting things done! Today’s idea is: less planning…more doing!