overcome my depression.

I might go talk to someone about this. Problem is it can’t be anyone from school and I dont have oodles of $ to spend either. (anyone know any resources?) On the one hand my best friend Dan has been so patient and supportive. On the other hand I can’t go to him every time I’m depressed. It’s not right, it’s selfish… I wish I could be a better friend, like he is. God bless him. If there is one person I truly respect it’s him, for putting up with me.

My mood changes so rapidly. On a dime. Not even always for very logical reasons. Mostly sucks. I doubt I’m “bipolar” cause in general there is at least some bizarre cause for my shitty mood, and it’s not like i’m ever ecstatically happy, either. But who knows… Today I spent the whole evening weeping profusely, eating, and browsing the web aimlessly. the funny thing is like no one would really suspect that i can barely function at all due to my depression. in fact i got back another great essay in english and was asked to read it <3 even though in truth this year I haven't read to completion a single goddamned book we've written an essay on. usually i listen to class discussion and sparknotes. i didn't read a page of Twelfth Night or Pride and Prejudice, and so far haven't done anything with Hamlet either (yeah, it's an AP class too). i'm too restless, anxious, i can't explain just what i mean, how i can have no interest in something that used to be not just a huge but /fundamental/ part of my life. same thing with learning russian... my thirst for learning has effectively dried up. i really don't care anymore.

my thoughts revolve principally on: getting revenge; suicide; proving to everyone how important and great i am before publically committing suicide; etc etc. yeah, not the kindest of thoughts. i dont feel like a very great human being now, haha.

i’ve also sunken to the new low of setting up a fake facebook to monitor people at school… especially, well, “him.”

hmmm .. writing all this has helped though. i used to have a blog and wonder if i should create another? the first one was discovered by an acquaintance at school so i deleted the whole goddamn thing in a panic. it was so tiny it went unnoticed by the world until that one person who just so happened to know me maybe though… i need a forum for my thoughts :P

I’ve realized I’m completely dependent on other people to make me happy, and if I’m disappointed even in the slightest my depression just becomes unbearable. I’m still far far away from this goal; I have atypical depression (that is, I still can perceive happiness normally, I’m not catatonically sad…but more days than not I’m depressed, and every day I’m sad at least once).

I get nothing done whatsoever. I have no more pleasures in life, at all! I realized this today when I just stared at this fucking screen for about 10 minutes, with nothing to do. I used to have hobbies; when the hell did I lose them? When did everything become rotten and pointless? When was the last time I read a book? Ubi sum?

I pray to god I can just get into college. That will take a huge weight off my mind. I’m so tempted to slip back into old bad habits, to give me comfort and sad as it sounds some purpose in my life; even a negative direction is headed somewhere, after all. I have no patience for myself or others anymore. I really, really want help but I’m so afraid to ask for it. I refuse to talk to a shrink (I don’t need a paid friend, thanks; been there done that with no results) ... but that’s the only option I’ve ever heard of, besides antidepressant pills (another choice I refuse).

and i know, that if i don’t get it together, my grades are going to suffer. i have like 0 motivation. i’m tired, broken, depressed. every time i think something is looking up for me, god kicks me in the face again. fuck it…

i dont know why but i feel sad all the time!
i used to cut myself…....but i stopped….....
but lately ive been thinking about cutting again
i dont want to but i just know it will help me feel better…
until i see that the cuts healed and there another scar to hide from every one that will never unstand exactly what im going thrue…....
somtimes i climb on hight up things just to think about jumping….
i dont wanna die i just dont want to go on feeling so messed up…....

I have been in deep depression since the last 6months after my break up in January. It affected my work, my relationship with my friends, my art, and in general my whole life. My ex has happily moved on to be with someone else, although she calls me up time to time to tell me she still in love with me, but thinks it best we move on.
I was briefly seeing someone and shared it with ex, and surprisingly she told she cannot see me happy with another person. I still don’t understand her. We broke up because we moved away and the long distance took her toll on her. She hated being alone and the fact that meeting me once a year was all she got. She still wears the wedding ring i got her. I have gotten very wasted and called her names abusively like a jerk. I am a gentle person and realize that the end of this relationship brought out the worst in me. Apart from becoming a recluse and drinking a lot alone, i began to stop doing the positive things i used to do,like working out, painting, cooking. Instead I would stay in bed, with a bad hangover and lie there waiting to just wither away. After weeks of anguish, i realized no one but me can pull myself together. I am still working on it, slowly. Its hard but now i go for long walks,meditate, cook, and starting to paint as well. I’m still sad, but working on completely healing myself. Hope i succeed.

My therapist resigned her position at the clinic, but said she won’t be referring me to anyone else. Evidently, I have completed enough homework to keep myself from spiralling into pits of despair whenever I get depressed. Yay for progress!

I’ve been fighting my depression for months, but it has been subsiding rather rapidly in the last few weeks. I’m spending more time with friends, making and fulfilling plans for the future, and generally living my life in a more positive manner. All in all, I’m thrilled with the way this goal turned out. I was a little concerned that I would just have to live with depression – something that would just be in the background in everything that I did – but this hasn’t been the case. The combination of medication, therapy, meeting social and work goals has all but dissolved my depression.

My doctor wants me to try a new medication cause I am having bad side effects. So I hope this works.

I have been on my new pills for a while now and am still having a hard time, but i guess it doesnt help when you are pretty much getting fired from your job, well not fired but pushed out. So sad to say that I still broke down a couple of times last week but so far this week is going better…

According to my doctor and therapist, I’m still depressed. Of course, my mood has leveled out, so I was beginning to think I was being underestimated; I figured I was doing better and it should be clear to everyone around me that I’m chipping away at my depression. Well, I’m still working on it. As I said, my mood has leveled out, but my head is still full of marshmallows from the medication. I’m hoping some of this is going to clear-up when the depression fully lifts, but I know that I’m still going to have some trouble thinking clearly from the seizure medication. At least, I think it’s the meds. Whatever it is, I can’t hide behind it. Being spacey is no excuse for not writing more or even finishing my degree.