overcome fear

Over the past six months, the frequency of me thinking about social anxiety has slowed down to a stop. Really, I don’t even consider myself to have that diagnosis anymore. I still have some problems, but I would say they are on the normal side of the spectrum. I went to a party last month, the guests were mostly people I knew – friends of a friend and her husband. I’d had intermittent contact with them for years, but never really got to know or like them. So, it wasn’t a room full of strangers, but somewhat a room full of people who were part of two groups of friends, and a few other guests who knew each other. So, I’m not good at mingling, I have nothing to say, don’t know what to ask. I had one real conversation, instigated by one of those people I’d known slightly for years. The rest of the time I tried to busy myself by taking pictures, going for cigarettes, fiddling with the video game system or the stereo. Finally, my meds petered out and I had to rest until the next dose kicked in. I found myself lying on the couch watching the goings-on, and though I felt like a weirdo, I was able to accept the fact that this was necessary. By the end of the night I had probably exchanged at least a few words with 75% of the guests, and hadn’t felt like crying or that I needed to go home. This I call a success. This is the only party I hadn’t been able to avoid for probably 10 years, but there have been a few other occasions, such as weddings, that required mingling or something, and I can’t say I had a blast at any of them. And that is fine for me, as long as I can avoid them in the future.

On the upside, I’m much better at making phone calls, asking strangers the time (or whatever), making small talk with random people. I don’t walk down the street feeling everybody’s distainful eyes on me. If I do feel some distain, I think, “what’s their problem?” I am much more able to just go about my business and i don’t think about social situations with apprehension (unless it is a social gathering of many people, not family).

This is only one aspect of my fears, but it was a huge obstacle, a problem that effected everything in my life, so it is a relief to be over it. Of course, I still think it is solely the Effexor, and I will never stop taking it.

sometimes i get scared, it’s not usually a strong feeling but i dont like it

i get scared in situations which are impractical and dont help

i got scared the other night playing open mic

i hadn’t done it for a long time, i was playing some new songs and i hadn’t really practised them

my voice was a bit shaky and i made a few mistakes

if i were confident i dont think these things would have happened

while performing i tried to be calm and connect with the stillness that lies beneath everything but it only worked for fleeting moments

i cant seem to feign confidence in these situations

i guess i just need to perform more

or maybe i should give up this type of performing, some people are just naturals, my friend could do it straight away without fear, why cant i?

i felt uncomfortable and scared singing my own songs

but playing bass to someone elses songs i was fine

i guess its the whole laying your soul out to people is scary

if people dont like your songs its very hard to take, maybe it was the vulnerability of the situation

i asked friends who are confidence performers what their advice was, they said that they’ve stopped caring what people think

in a way this is great

in a way i think this is sad

i want to care, i want to be emphatic

but its clashing with me wanting to be a great performer, what to do, what to do!

get the better of you.

for me, it’s ok to have fear, but when fear starts getting in way of living your life that’s when i need to overcome it.
So far, i don’t.
But that will change

i was homeless twice in a span of four months. once by my own choosing and another time by being kicked out. and both times i was ok. the first time i was self-sufficient enough and the second time i relied on family. so i think i do pretty good for myself. and when i don’t my family helps me enough. i think i don’t have to be so afraid.

I realized recently how much of my life is completely paralyzed and at a standstill because of one reason: fear. I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid of failure, and because of that fear, I reject my own abilities and refuse to even TRY to accomplish the things that I know deep down that I could.

Fear is something to be overcome. Trying not to be afraid is about as effective as trying not to think of an elephant. Fearing fear simply brings it even more present. Burying fear only means it will rise up again some other day. Believing that the things I fear will have to happen to me so I can “get over them” merely prolongs and worsens it. Trying to believe such things would never happen to me is a denial of the possible. Observing the fear, honoring it, loving it, and finding its source is one way to begin to allow it to take its natural course and disappear in its own way in its own good time.

about 10 years ago i became aware of my fear. it was there all along. now i can see it for what it is instead of letting it scare me. ya know? the paxil helps too.

I have been having a setback the past week or so, regarding my anxiety and my mood. My social anxiety is creeping back into my life since I’ve lowered my medication – I’ve noticed I’m not looking people in the eye, not able to make small talk with strangers, not as eager to go out and be seen. I had an anxiety attack on the bus the other day, feeling like I couldn’t wait to get home and hide.

On the other hand, I have not been so afraid of this slump in mood. I know it is from the medication, and I have a doctor’s appointment in less than two weeks, so it can be adjusted. I’m also hoping that I may adapt to this lowered dose by then and not have to increase it. I’m not so worried about myself yet, and not panicking that I might go into a severe slide. I’m just kind of hanging in there.

I’m mindful of the increase symptoms without getting angry or frustrated about them. My self-talk has improved, and I’m being a little more gentle and compassionate towards myself when I remember to do so. As long as I stay calm, I think I can prevent slipping into a vicious cycle of depression where my fear and panic make it worse than it would be otherwise and therefore create more anxiety and depression. I think I’m doing really well at accepting my current state, actually, and not exacerbating it at all. I’m being patient.

there’s a way to overcome fear. Preparation helps, of course, but then it takes a leap of faith, believing that one will still be alive and sound, or at least sort of, afterwards.
Therefore, it seems that the only way to overcome fear is by action. Certainly not impulsive action, but careful and mindful action! so, full speed ahead ^°°°