remember

Riding in a dune buggy

everything. the best & the worst things, in either extreme. everything worth breathing over.

a blessing and it is a curse.

Two days ago, Cassie died two months ago. How could I have forgotten? What was I doing that made me forget the date?

Oh. I was with a boy, meeting his friends.

I am a terrible person.

of psychological disorders, like alzheimer’s. forgetting who i am would be the most devastating thing that i can imagine.
i’ve realized the important thing is appreciating the life i have now, while i have it. remembering it later won’t mean much if i spend all of it thinking about the past.

what I ate for supper, a joke’s punch line, but not the important things: my mom, the love, the good times and bad. I don’t need this goal. I can’t help but remember.

Amanda, November 25, 1991 – January 2, 2008
Cas, August 11, 1988 – January 19, 2008

“I can’t stop finding your face in their faces,
all rearranged and angry,
like you never were.”

Carry on, lovely girls. Carry on, carry on, carry on, für immer.

I gave my daughters their cookbooks and they cried and laughed, just as I hoped. I also gave my granbeanie her Nana book and her mom cried as she read it. They really liked the presents and they do and will remember my Mom.

my granbeanie came to play while her mom was singing. At one point we were in Nana’s old room and I was in the rocking chair. I asked her if she wanted to climb in Nana’s chair. She looked at the rattan chair and I could see her remembering my mother sitting in it. She just turned away and said “no” in a small voice.

the good things about living alone. Before Mom moved in I was happy alone. I could do my housework when I wanted – or not. I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My SO could come and go as he (and I) pleased. I could go away overnight. I didn’t have to rush home. I could have a phone conversation in peace. I could watch Meet The Press on Sunday morning instead of going to the grocery store. I didn’t have to listen to radio ranters if I was home during the day. My dogs could walk through all the rooms of my house. I didn’t have to explain my purchases to anyone. I could stay up late and sleep late on occasion without someone asking if I was sick.

I need to remember how I did this.