learn to be still

I can be still in the literal sense all the time. My problem is having an inability to relax. I am also a workaholic. I am always thinking. Meditating is impossible. I need to find peace :)

i like to finish all my tasks early, and then with that precious free time left, i like to just sit down – with no thinking or moving – doing absolutely nothing, just rel@@@x. Hey, we all need chillax every once in a while. Although doing this without accomplishing anything feels like ur just sitting there wasting the time u need to accomplish what u planned for, now that is not very relaxing ;)

Getting up to watch the sun rise taught me this, for which I am very, very thankful.

Waiting, standing without motion in the deep blue silence before…

I am finding this to be extremely difficult. In the world we live in there is little time to just stop what you are doing and appreciate now. I try to meditate but i end up going over stupid menial things in my head. With practice hopefully i can be still when i try. Even if it’s for a second at first i will eventually be able to build on it.

i can never sit still.

Being still takes practise .. and taking stock of yourself, your actions, thoughts and feelings.

When you recognise that you are “in” the moment where you are content and know that everything that is ..is meant to be exactly as it is in that moment. This can even transcend to blissful moments with God.

I said I’d stay put here in L.A. but I don’t know if I can (FOR NOW). There’s always something calling me to travel more… to get out there and experience new environments. And though I’ve had a couple bad experiences recently, I still LOVE traveling and meeting and dealing with new people. However, if I do decide to go somewhere soon, I WILL be there for at least a year. I’ll make it work. So I guess this goal can still be achieved… I’m making sure I know what I’m getting myself into before I finalize plans, so with that, it’ll be very easy for me to stay put.

I don’t know when it started happening. I think it was when I moved up to Mendo for 3 months. Ever since then I’ve been hopping around like a mad woman. I stayed at my last job before Italy for one year, but I kept moving around. And then I ran away to Italy… then ran back home… then had a shitty experience living with whatshisname, then went back to mom for a bit, then [tried] to take care of Nonna. Seems I’ve been moving around in such a short amount of time.

Now I love traveling. Really and honestly do. It’s wonderful, and no matter what you do or where you are in your travels, you always end up learning something so much more profound than you could at home. But right now, I need to stay and sit.

Perhaps the lesson I’ve been trying to learn isn’t about staying where I’m unhappy (and not running away). Perhaps it’s about staying home and doing what I want for me for a while until I fix a couple things and travel again. Italy was an exception, and the apartment with Chris & Vance just sucked, but moving to Mendocino and (trying) to move to Santa Rosa felt like leaving home. Felt like I was going to something I knew wouldn’t compare.

Now I’m seeing the reason I agreed to do this with Nonna… if it weren’t for it, I wouldn’t have this AWESOME job opportunity now. But now I gotta get back to who I used to be and stay put.

I woke up to rain on the roof…heaven. And because I had nowhere to be immediately, I lay there and enjoyed it. It’s my favorite summer activity.

I need to be still more often! I literally had a time scheduled in my planner this week labeled “relax and hang out” There is something so very wrong with that. Today I was frustrated to the point of tears because I couldn’t go hang out with someone because I don’t have enough time to do that and still get ready for work. Life is passing me by, and the peace that I know I’ve felt has everything to do with moments of stillness. Meditate more, be still.